misplaced aggression

2006-12-13T17:15:00.000-08:00

it's over. i ended my relationship with the girl today, and although i was the one who ended it, i have the sadness about me of being dumped. i really don't feel like going into the details, but suffice to say my happiness was short-lived, and i'm back to my miserable self. i don't think i will be posting again, i have nothing left to say, so for the few of you who have stuck with me, you can save yourself the trouble. i don't want to delete the blog, and i'm not really sure why. but it was nice knowing you all. just for shits and giggles, one last time before i go: DAMN THE MAN AND FUCK BUSH!

2006-11-05T14:26:00.000-08:00

sister spikey is right. i have plenty of time on my hands, but haven't really had anything to say. until now. i've met someone. it's too early to read to much into it, but all i know is that when we are apart, all i can do is think of her. she's wonderful. she knows my faults and accepts me in spite of. plus she's a mom, and that gives us common ground. for the first time in way too long, i'm happy. very, very happy. 'nuff said.

yesterday

2006-09-25T11:32:00.000-07:00

things went well at the fair yesterday. the kids both had a great time although kieran became a little shit towards the end when he was ready to go and bailey still wanted to ride a few more rides. it wasn't, however, what i expected. i had braced myself for a day of memories flooding back, of pretending things were the way they once were. this wasn't the case. i simply enjoyed the day and had a wonderful time watching my children have fun. missy and i got along fine, had some nice (but brief, bear in mind we were chasing after two kids the whole time) conversation, and were simply there for the kids. i've spent the last year mourning the loss of my marriage and i think i'm finally ready to say goodbye to it. it was a great run, the best years of my life, but it's over and that's ok. nothing lasts forever. i hope missy and i can continue to do things together with the kiddies from time to time. i think they enjoyed having both mommy and daddy there at the same time. i do wish i could see them more, but i suppose every weekend is a hell of a lot more time than some dads get, so i should be thankful. that being said, it's only monday and saturday morning seems a lifetime away. but the week will pass and before you know it, i'll have them again and life will be grand.

remember me?

2006-09-22T18:54:00.000-07:00

it's been awhile, i know. i also know that the odds of anyone reading this are slim to none as most of the kind people who read my idiotic rants gave up on me a long time ago, but i'm not posting to be heard, i'm posting to post. i need to write, something i haven't done since last november and even then, only briefly. so much has happened that i could sit up all night typing until my fingers bled and i got that awful backache i get when i sit at the computer too long and still not make a dent in what has transpired in the last 10 odd months. i've been trying to look up old friends lateley, with at least limited sucess. i have reconnected with sister spikey mace after many months of silence. as one of the rocks i could always lean on in my down times, it was long overdue and our reunion was bittersweet with the news that she had recently lost a loved one. it was good to talk to her again, to reconnect with someone who means so much to me, yet i have managed to neglect for far too long. i have promised to do better about keeping in touch. i have also tried to contact amy at afterophelia and s. at tales of ordinary madness, but with less luck. these are all people who were with me through my breakdown, who know my past and yet somehow accepted me in spite of it. i miss them. i have also reached even farther back and managed (through myspace) to connect with a dear friend from high school and one of my brief attempts at higher education. she's doing fabulous, just got married, has a good job. when we were at university together we used to travel to the small town in southern arkansas where my father is buried, in the middle of the night, and hang out at the cemetary and talk. it sounds corny but it is one of my fondest memories from that time. she still lives in little rock and we have made plans to get together next time i am down. i'm looking forward to seeing her again and catching up, as it's been close to 12 years since we have seen one another. my divorce was final a few weeks ago. repeated efforts on my part to patch things up with missy failed and she finally filed for divorce. i did get joint custody of the children, able to see them whenever i want. she and i are still on good terms, however. we are taking the kids to the fair together this weekend and i am looking forward to that. it means for one afternoon i can imagine we are a family again, that things didn't go horribly wrong, that my life didn't take this awful turn for the worse. i know things will never go back to the way they were, and honestly i don't know now if i would take her back even if she were willing. maybe too much water had passed under the bridge, maybe i know that losing her once almost killed me and the thought of going through that again terrifies me. i wish i could go back in time, somehow make things work, be a better person, but i can't. i can only look forward. my kids are my life. kieran is in the second grade and bailey is getting bigger by the day. i haven't exactly had a model life, arrested for multiple felonies when i was 18, a failed business, a nervous breakdown, suicide attempts, a failed marriage, but i got one thing right. i have wonderful children. kids who would make any parent proud. and for that i'm grateful. i've tried dating since missy and i split up, but it's no use. no one i've met can measure up to her, and so i make it a point to ruin it, even if not on purpose. i've come to accept that i will probably be alone for the rest of my life, and surprisingly i'm ok with that. i loved once. a deep, meaningful, total love. i don't think i could ever give myself to someone else like that, and it wouldn't be fair to them or me to give anything less. i'm going to post this now, before i lose my nerve and delete it. many times i've thought of deleting the whole blog, as it's not really serving any purpose, but something has always kept me from doing it. maybe because it's my little memorial to myself, when i still gave a damn. maybe i'm reading too much into things, as is usually the case. oh well, i'm done for now, maybe i will get back into posting, though i doubt it. i'm pretty sure this is a one time thing, just something to do on a night i'm feeling melancholy.

just a thought

2005-11-21T10:34:00.000-08:00

wouldn't it be nice if someone were to give the monkey face idiot a sodium pentathol enema so we could find out once and for all just how much he knew and when? hell, it might not even be necessary. they are becoming so brazen in what they are doing to this country, he may go on national tv one night and just announce "yeah, we never were really sure about that wmd thing, we just wanted to kick his ass". we can only trust karma that he gets his in the end. i really don't have anything to write about today, so i thought a little pissing and moaning about the monkey boy is always in good taste. cheers.

on birthdays and sheep

2005-11-20T11:46:00.000-08:00

i'm another year older, 32 to be exact. while at least i'm not an antique 34 like sister spikey mace, i still feel over the hill. i look at my current situation and realize things are not going as planned. but i suppose you can't really plan for life, because you never know what will happen to change your course. i'm doing the best i can given the circumstances, and that's good enough for me.

my mother came to town for my birthday and stopped and picked up the kids on her way here, so that was nice. what wasn't so nice was that she begged and pleaded her way into getting me to agree to go to church with her this morning, on my birthday no less. it looks like my son is taking after dear old dad at a young age, he told her he hated going to church and wasn't going to do it. he only relented after i assured him (out of earshot of my mother) that i didn't really think too much of the whole idea either, but that we didn't have to do it that often and that he could suck it up and take one for the team. lucky for both of us my second born was so bad we had to leave halfway through.
this still gave me about thirty minutes to watch a room full of adults singing songs about, and praying to, someone who doesn't exist. the whole concept leaves me torn between giggling at the absurdity of it all, and crying that so many people are so easily fooled, my own mother being one of them. you might as well sing a song praising homer simpson, or pray to al bundy, all three are fictional characters, and each will get you the same thing: squat. i don't get on my atheist soapbox very often, mainly because if you believe in fairy tales, nothing i can say here is going to change your mind and i don't want to alienate people, but i had to let off some steam after having to witness it first hand this morning. i'm done for now.

$100 laptop for poor

2005-11-18T10:56:00.000-08:00

this is a wonderful concept, but i didn't read anywhere about making sure each poor american child had one. i guess our government can't afford to buy them because of all those tax cuts for the rich and money spent on the war in iraq.

$100 laptop for poor

republicans push through budget cuts

2005-11-18T10:27:00.000-08:00

republicans have made budget cuts which will affect college students, families receiving child support, medicaid, and food stamps recipients. following this they are expected to pass millions in tax cuts for the wealthy. can anyone explain to me how these people can look at themselves in the mirror? do they really care so little about their fellow man that they can shit on the ones who need help the most while at the same time helping the rich get a little richer? it's articles like this that made me stop political blogging in the first place. they just piss me off so much. i've decided i can handle the anger again, so i'm back. may the monkey faced idiot rot.

the article

i hope it was a small one

2005-11-17T10:28:00.000-08:00

thief hid phone up her bum
i'm addicted to my mobile, but i don't think i need one that badly. i'll bet she wouldn't have tried that back in the day with a bag phone.

damnit

2005-11-15T14:13:00.000-08:00

i decided the site needed a facelift, so i changed templates, not thinking about how erasing everything off the old one would be such a pain in the ass to fix. if anyone can tell me how to get those goddamn dots off the sidebar below the cost of war counter, i'll give them an iou for a million bucks.

john cusack on politics

2005-11-15T08:50:00.000-08:00

click here to read a great post by john cusack on everthing from bush to john stewart to hunter s. thompson.

Ananova - Police leave drugs in bag of girl, 10

2005-11-13T15:24:00.000-08:00

Ananova - Police leave drugs in bag of girl, 10

where were these kind of cops when i did speed?

spam, spam, and more spam

2005-11-13T13:10:00.000-08:00

i got a gmail account awhile back, just for the hell of it. i signed up and then never used it. i just checked it, just for the hell of it to see how much spam i had gotten. i had 2,613 pieces of spam that made it past gmails filters in my inbox and an amazing 11,065 pieces of spam in my spam folder. that's an awful lot of shit mail. there's no point to this post really, just thought i would share. on a good note, things are progressing just peachy with the girl. i've been spending more and more time with her and her kids (of course) have grown to like me. i don't know if it will lead anywhere or not, but i find myself hoping more and more that it does.

i suck

2005-10-26T14:09:00.000-07:00

i'm a big fat hypocrite. not too awfully long ago i chastised a friend about their drinking, saying how awful it was and that it was too easy to get carried away. i just got through adding up my debit receipts for the last week and i spent $123.50 at the pub in the last 6 days. mind you that tuesday through friday they have 5-7 happy hour where you get all you can drink for $7. look who's gotten carried away. part of it is the social aspect. with the exception of the girl, i still really don't know anyone here, and i can go to the pub and see friendly faces and have some nice conversation. but it seems that i am drinking more and more while i'm there. whereas i used to nurse a drink for a while, i find myself downing them quickly and taking shots (although in my defense the bartender often makes up batches of shots for the regulars and you can't turn down a free drink). add to this the fact that i'm not even supposed to be drinking with the medications i'm on and i still haven't found a job (although i have picked up some temp work). i guess this one can be chalked up to glass houses and bricks. sorry.

first date

2005-10-12T12:58:00.000-07:00

yippie i survived! having not been on a first date in over 8 years i had my doubts. i was going to be content with making it through the evening without saying something incredibly stupid, calling her by my ex's name or something equally horrifying. it wasn't really so much of a date per se as just a chance to meet. we met at her sons football practice and went from there to a rib joint for dinner (great ribs, by the way). i was so nervous half the time i couldn't think of anything to say for fear of saying something dumb. luckily her kids (four of them, mind you) were there to fill the gaps in conversation with punching, pulling, kicking, crying, and laughing. nice kids and she seems like a great mom. overall i had a really nice evening and look forward to seeing her again.

on another note, i went to a hypnotherapist today to see about quitting smoking. my brother knew a couple of people who tried it and it worked so i thought what the hell. although it's waaaaay to early to tell, when i got in my truck to leave i didn't try to reach for a cigarette like i normally do, so perhaps thats a good omen.

that's all for now i suppose, i'm sure my thrilling life is keeping you all on the edge of your seats. oh well, it's something to pass the time, both mine and yours.

lucy, i'm hooooooome

2005-10-11T08:36:00.000-07:00

i finally got my computer fixed and have become motivated to post. things haven't changed much since my last post, my wife is filing for divorce, i'm still staying with my brother and i haven't found a job yet. i don't have any friends up here, so i don't get out much, though there is a pub down the street i frequent and have gotten to know the bartenders pretty well. it's nice to walk in and have your drink waiting on you. i'm there every monday night to eat wings and have a couple of drinks. (as an added bonus the wings are 25 cents each on mondays, so it's a pretty cheap dinner). i'm meeting a girl i met through yahoo personals for the first time tonight (insert snide comments and laughter here). i've never used a dating service and am popping valium to keep my nerves down. probably too soon after my breakup for anything serious, but it would be nice to have someone to go out with, besides there's a movie i really want to see and i don't like going to the theatre alone. i'm trying to live healthier too. i've cut caffeine out of my diet, most red meat, and i am going to a hypnotherapist tomorrow to see about quitting smoking (wish me luck, willpower has never worked).
on a political note, i see that the monkeys nomination for supreme court justice had never even been a judge before, makes you wonder what kind of shady deals are coming with this nomination. from what i've heard, even some republicans aren't happy with his pick. there has been talk of the possibly overturning of roe v wade, so watch out ladies, your uterus might not be yours for long.
well, i suppose that's about it for now. more to come sooner than later.

i'm still alive

2005-09-07T11:54:00.000-07:00

my computer is fucked up at home so i haven't been online much. hopefully it will be up and running again soon and i might actually start updating again. just thought i would check in.

new email

2005-08-25T10:14:00.000-07:00

i recently moved and before thinking i closed my old email account without saving my address book. as such, i have no ones email address because i can't remember shit. i'm asking everyone i have had email contact with to email me so i can save your address in my book. my new address is misplacedtim1@yahoo.com. thanks a ton. i'll be posting more later, i still haven't gotten my computer up and running and i'm at the public library doing this. thanks again!

it's the end of the world as we know it and i DON'T feel fine

2005-08-05T11:45:00.000-07:00

in my last post i said my wife were working things out. turns out the only thing we worked out was that we were separating, she was quitting her job, and moving back home. needless to say i wasn't involved in any of this decision making. it hit me like a ton of bricks, i thought we were making progress. turns out i'm an idiot. the only good news from all this is that she hasn't filed for divorce (yet), although it wouldn't surprise me if she did. it's like she turned off her emotions towards me like you turn off your shower, one second they're there, the next they're not. i've sold the house and am moving in with my brother about an hour from where she will be living, making it easier to see the kiddies. and like a fool i am still holding out some hope that we can work things through after all. despite all the bad news, i seem to be making progress as far as my depression goes, on the whole. i'm obviously depressed that my marriage is going to hell, but i'm managing to stay out of the deep black hole i used to fall into. i suppose that's all for now, i'll talk to you soon.

?????

2005-07-29T08:25:00.000-07:00

i have no idea why the posts are coming out looking funny, or if it is only my browser, but i've tried everything i know to fix it. sorry.

back to whining

2005-07-29T07:51:00.000-07:00

what can i say? sometimes you need to get stuff off your chest, so i suppose this is the best way to do it.
too much has happened since my last post to be covered in one entry, my attention span simply won't allow it. so it is with a complete lack of fanfare i re-enter the blog world.
i've been back in the psych hospital again and this one almost cost me my marriage. my wife and i had previously discussed the effect my depression was having on our marriage and her inability to deal with said depression. this time was evidently the straw that broke the camels back. she told me not to come back home when i was released from the hospital. luckily my little sister let me stay with her. long story short: i'm back at home and we are working things out, albeit slowly.
my depression is much better now. while i was in the hospital i finally decided to do ECT treatments (shock treatment). as far as i can tell it's made a huge difference, and my therapist agrees.
i think i hit all the major issues of my so-called life (am i the only one who misses that show). i think i will start my sporadic posting again. it feels good to put feelings into words, seems i am talking to someone about it, as i don't really have anyone here to confide in. i'll be seeing you soon.

goodbye

2005-06-17T13:35:00.000-07:00

i've decided to quit posting. when i started, it was with feeling and emotion. i couldn't wait to get to the computer and get my thoughts down. now it seems like a chore to post anything at all. i'd rather end it now rather than just let it fade away with sporadic, pathetic posts. to those of you who have read and commented and become my friends, rest assured i'm not leaving the blog world, i'm just ending my blog. i'll still be commenting on your sites, you can't get rid of me that easily. who knows? i might resurrect it one day and if i do, i'll let you know, but for now, i've got nothing worth saying other than DAMN THE MAN.

overdue

2005-06-06T11:47:00.000-07:00

i haven't posted in a while, not to say there hasn't been tons to say, i just haven't felt up to saying it. good news, i got a job, bad news, i lost it. better news i finally got approved for medical disability for my insanity. my payments will start next month. marriage has been rough lately, but i think we have it all worked out. i just realized this sounds more like a news update than a journal entry, but what the fuck, at least i'm posting. my daughter is teething so she is either eating and whining, crying, or sleeping. no amount of oralgel can relieve what has to hurt like fuck for a little one. i feel sorry for her, but catch myself getting angry at the constant crying, then i feel guilty, repeat process all day long. speaking of her, the girl loves to eat. some days i think she puts away more than i do. my son is at the inlaws for two weeks. week one is over and i'm kind of starting to miss the little bastard. well, we can chalk this entry up to one of my worst, but hey, i tried. i'll be back soon, maybe write something other that the whinings of my life.

blog time

2005-05-12T13:21:00.000-07:00

one of my daily reads is killbunnie23. if you haven't checked out her site you're really missing out. but plugging aside (wait for laughter to die down at the butt plug reference) her latest entry says she's back involved in her communities huge yearly yard sale. the problem is that it seems like she JUST did their huge yard sale. it jolted me to just how quickly a year can go by. granted this past year went quicker for me than most because i lost a few months to insanity. that being said, i'm sure i'm not the only one who has had something in the blog world jolt them in the real one. when something is written it can sometimes seem current, even years later. go read one of amy's rants over at afterophelia and some could have been written yesterday. am i the only one who feels like there is a different time zone in the blog world? does any of this make sense or is it the valium talking? those are new, just got off klonopin and onto valium. anyway, that's about it. ciao

i can't think of a title

2005-05-11T13:00:00.000-07:00

blogger was down last night. and for longer than the hour they said they'd be. i was in the mood to ramble on and evidently forgot about word and just waited and waited until the mood was gone. blogger is now officially part of the collective that is the man and as we all know DAMN THE MAN.

i have a job interview tomorrow. at a liquor store. for someone who loves to drink but supposedly is banned from it due to my meds, i'm setting myself up for failure. but our bank account is getting pretty slim and i'll take whatever i can get. having no verifiable work history for five years is pretty bad on an application. hopefully they will understand and i can start making some much needed cash.

i still haven't given in and gone back to smoking. i know it's only a matter of time, but i want to see how long i can go. besides, it's saving us money we need for other things, like electricity and stuff.

that's all i can think of right now. the family is as good as can be expected. that's it.

random

2005-05-06T14:08:00.000-07:00

i went to see my psychologist today. she's worried because i don't have any flesh and blood friends. i haven't the foggiest ides how to make a friend. whenever people start talking, i clam up and work my way out of the group. it's just how i am now. she wants to see me every week now. i told her i couldn't afford it and she told me they were going to lower my co-pay. pretty cool of them. makes me wonder how bad she thinks i am to need to see me every week. i go to see my psychiatrist on the 12th to decide if my meds are working the way they should. i'm not thinking that they are, but i'm sick and tired of changing medication so i'm considering faking it. although i don't like the perpetual fog i am in. i have to concentrate so hard to do anything. i shouldn't be driving, but i have to get places. so far i've sideswiped a street sign, back into a tree, and almost ran a guy off the road because i was driving in his lane and didn't realize it for a second. anyone need a lift? ok, enough pissing and moaning for one day. i promise i won't post again until i have something happy to post about. so don't hold you're breath waiting! ciao for now.

blah

2005-05-04T10:41:00.000-07:00

i was just looking over my recent entries and came to the realization that my writing has turned to shit. just random nonsense being thrown at you like shit from a monkey at the zoo. i can't decide if this is because i don't really have a driving force in my writing like i did before (the monkey faced idiot) or maybe the drugs are keeping in too much of a fog to think clearly. whatever the case, bear with me while i get back into the swing of things if you'd be so kind.

i got old young

2005-05-04T10:07:00.000-07:00

i feel old. i mean, to some people i'm sure i am old. the whole never trust anyone over 30 mantra. i wonder if that saying is still around and being used? i can chalk a huge portion of my untimely aging to living the life i've led. it has to be something more, though. it's not just my body that feels old. according to my birth certificate i'm 31 years old. so why do i feel 61? my kids wear me out about as quickly as they do my mother, who is 65. my wife can keep pace just about as long as she needs to, then again, i robbed the cradle. what is it in us that can keep some of us young forever and age others so quickly? there is an older man in our neighborhood, maybe early to mid 60's who i see out jogging all the time. i try to ride my bike, but after about a mile or two my legs are threatening me with bodily harm. so where does he get his willpower to keep in shape when i'm just happy i can catch the baby when she takes off running. there's no point to any of this really. i just wanted to piss and moan and throw myself a pity party. so since you're already here at the party, did you bring presents?

welcome back

2005-05-01T15:28:00.000-07:00

like an old friend moving home, amy over at afterophelia is back posting. i'm so overjoyed she's writing again i'll overlook the fact i wasn't informed. truely, madly, deeply welcome back.

i quit

2005-05-01T14:59:00.000-07:00

today i quit smoking. for the 100th time. but for some reason i think that this time i might actually succeed. why do i think so? who knows where thoughts come from? they just appear (bonus points to anyone who knows who said that and in what movie). right now i am edgy and bitchy and a pain in the ass to be around. and that's with taking tranquilizers. i can't imagine people quitting smoking without drugs, then again most people aren't like me so maybe it's different. i just know i have enough problems without running the risk of cancer, because the way my luck runs, i'd have lung cancer by 35. i read somewhere that it takes three days for the nicotine to leave your body and after that it's all in your head. well, here's to hoping my head holds together. i need to go buy some carrots or something to feed my oral fixation. maybe i'll just chew pencils to shreds. it's not perfect timing to quit, what with the stress of my job situation, but i felt the urge to do it so i acted on it.

i'll let you know if i make it.

update

2005-04-30T14:28:00.000-07:00

well, i still have a job, for now at least. my manager said he hadn't heard back from corporate yet so he was going to keep me on until they tell him to fire me. now i get to go into work not knowing whether or not i still have a job. this will do wonders for my stress level. oh well, at least i'm pulling a paycheck for now. i really don't want to work nights anyway, and my mom can watch the baby during the day, so as soon as my record is expunged i'm going to start looking for a day job. of course a day job will interfere with my sleeping every time the baby takes a nap and generally lying around, which could be a good thing. since i'm sure my employment situation is of utmost importance to all of you, i'll be sure to keep you posted.

IHNTPABIGTA

2005-04-29T11:06:00.000-07:00

(i have nothing to post about but i'm going to anyway)

missy is home sick today and the baby is in a foul mood so i thought i would hide out in here and look like i'm doing something constructive.

i'll find out tonight if they are going to shitcan my ass at work. since i've been out of the job market for the last 5 years things have changed. seems that now
everyone does a background check before hiring. i wish i could go back to work for myself, but i just don't see that happening. i can't remember if i mentioned in the post yesterday that it could take up to 4 months for my record to be expunged. that means very few job prospects, at least not any above minimum wage. enough of that for now, too depressing to think about.

missy and i have gone from renters to homeowners. scares the shit out of me. that means that now we can't just pack up, break a lease and head for the hills if that's what we want to do. it also meant giving up space. our rent house was quite a bit larger than the one we purchased, but the price was right and it's a step in the right direction i suppose.

on another semi-bright note, my meds seem to be finally leveling me out a bit. i still have really bad days, but here lately i've had a couple of good ones. for those of you who know me, that's a rarity, it doesn't take much to send me into a manic fit or deep depression. who knows? i might pass for normal one day.

ok, that's all i can think of. i'm just trying to get back into the habit of regularly posting. no (or very little) politics this time, though. i've quit keeping up, it's just too depressing. but, while we are on the subject,

DAMN THE MAN

win some lose some

2005-04-28T12:58:00.000-07:00

i just found out i might lose the job i just got over something that happened 13 years ago. when i was 18 i was arrested for theft. it's a long story and i don't want to get into it. anyway, i was sentenced under an act that if i pled guilty and completed my probation, my record would be expunged. problem is, i thought it happened automatically and turns out it doesn't. so i went to the courthouse today to fill out the paperwork (confusing and long) to have my record cleared, and come to find out it takes 30- 120 days for them to process it. so that means for the last 13 years i've been a convicted felon and when they run my background check at this job (which they actually do), there i go. i'm going to explain the whole thing to my manager today and see if there is any room for negotiation. but it basically comes down to me lying on my application so i will probably get canned. just needed to bitch about it. wish me luck finding another job.

ugh, work

2005-04-22T07:39:00.000-07:00

i might have a job. if so it will be the first one in a year and a half. i stay home with our young 'un all day while my wife works, but i might have found a part time evening job that i think my crazy ass can handle. i'll be sorting freight and loading it on a plane. not exactly glamorous, but the hours are right and the pay doesn't suck. the sad thing is, i could make more drawing disability and me getting this job will negate my disability claim, but they drag their feet so much we can't afford to wait any longer. we just enrolled our son in private school and as you can guess, it ain't cheap. i'll find out this afternoon if the position is open or not. i worked for the same company about 5 years ago, so i'm first in line for a job when one comes up and they think a guy is moving to the day shift. everyone cross their fingers and toes and wish me luck.

friends

2005-04-14T14:20:00.000-07:00

i don't have any friends in the "real" world. not one. nobody to call up and say "let's go grab a beer", nothing of the sort. i am very fortunate to have numerous friends i have met online that go to great lengths to try and keep me sane. i just don't understand why i can't make friends in the physical realm. i'm not given much opportunity for starters, but even when i'm introduced to someone, a friend of my wife's' husband or boyfriend, i make no attempt to get to know them. why can i be so very social online and a complete hermit out here in lala land? i don't think i want the commitment. friends are eventually going to want something from you. i own a pickup truck, so i wonder who would be called when something needed moved? and that takes time away from my family and therein i believe lies the problem. i keep my daughter all day, i pick my son up from school and have him with me, and at this point i start counting down until my wife gets home. many times just seeing her walk through the door is the highlight of my day. could my love for my wife be keeping me from making friends? and if so, it's going to suck going through life friendless because i refuse to spend one second less with her than i can. we don't get to spend enough time together as it is. i think i'm done rambling for now.

damn the man (just thought i would throw that in for old times sake)

I'm still here

2005-04-06T13:16:00.000-07:00

just a note to let you know i'm still here. i just haven't had it in me to write much lately. all five of you who used to read the site, please check back once in a while, i'm trying to get myself back to wanting to post. i know it would be good for me, then again, i know quitting smoking would be good for me, and i don't do that either. thanks for your comments and emails checking on me. they mean more to me than i can express. i suppose that's it for now.

fuck itt

2005-03-01T17:26:00.001-08:00

2005-03-01T17:26:00.000-08:00

2005-02-24T19:44:00.000-08:00

"you have to decide at the end of the day if you can live with yourself"
princess anne

i ask myself that every night

on sabbatical

2005-01-31T15:28:00.000-08:00

i've got a really big sale coming up so the next month will be pretty hectic as i'm moving all the furniture and smalls from three estates to one area. so please forgive me if you don't hear from me for a bit. i'm still alive and as sane as a handful of pills can get me.

take care and i'll see you soon

good luck

2005-01-17T14:09:00.000-08:00

i just found out that a very dear friend (a member of the five who give fuck all if you've been keeping up) has just become a statistic. young, unmarried, pregnant, and not wanting to be (the pregnant part, that is. i'm quite sure she is fond of her youth and i'm hoping she keeps the unmarried portion until polygamy becomes legal, she's quite easy on the eyes). she is, as anyone in her predicament would be, at a loss for what to do. i'm asking everyone to think positive thoughts for her. call it what you want, positive vibes, prayer, i really don't care, just think of her.

p.s. if she were to keep it, odds are that the theme of the baby shower would be bio-hazard (don't ask), just something to keep in mind.

what would carl do?

2005-01-15T17:38:00.000-08:00

$40 million on an inauguration party, eh? that's quite a bash. i'm not even going to waste my time ranting and raving about the ridiculous amount spent by the neo-cons to celebrate another four years of having the monkey faced idiot as their bitch in chief. there is a homeless guy named carl that has lived here for at least the last 15 years. he doesn't ask for handouts, he is more likely to be found pushing his bike around collecting soda cans to recycle. when i was in high school he lived under the I-430 bridge. i remember his being forced to leave there for whatever reason some years ago. you couldn't even see him or his make-shift casa from the interstate, but that area is the "right" side of the tracks so we can't have homeless people around, can we? carl never asks for anything. when i was in school i worked at a tcby that was on his "route". when he came in to get a cup of coffee, he paid. if he passed us by empty handed, we would often assume that times were hard and go out to offer him a cup. he always offered a simple thanks and was on his way. the only point i have to all this is wondering what carl would do with $40 million? i can't speak for him, but i am pretty sure he wouldn't throw himself or anyone he knows a party. maybe carl should run for president. he'd get my vote.

back from the edge?

2005-01-14T19:44:00.000-08:00

another month, another trip to the psych ward. this one was prefaced by my mutilating our computers because of some imagined conspiracy my wife says i babbled on about (or could SHE be the one executing the conspiracy to convince me that i am mad?). i can't sort it all in my head. i feel a little better and more in control, but isn't that always the case? i go a few weeks fine and dandy, next thing you know i am tied to a hospital bed pumped full of adivan. i don't know how much longer i can hold on. i say that i don't just up and kill myself because of my family, but am i really doing them any good? my mind comes and goes, i alternate between unbearable depression and uncontrollable rage. my arms are a patchwork of cuts and burns. for as much as i love my wife and children, i hate myself all the more. even though my wife has kick ass insurance i have still managed to rack up thousands of dollars of medical bills. i added up just the invoices i could find before insurance paid and in the last four months have topped $40,000. all this just to hold an ever smaller grip on reality. my wife is young and beautiful. she has a good job and two adorable children. am i really doing her a favor by sticking around? my life insurance pays on suicides and i can't hold a job anyway, so it's not like i contribute to anything. all i do is suck whatever money we have left dry to buy pills and see shrinks. i don't know why i'm telling you this. there are 5 of you who give fuck all, and to you i say thanks. if i decide to take the short road to my next life or whatever the fuck happens, i will let you know personally. for the rest of you, i leave you the feeling of realizing that no matter how bad your day gets, it's guaranteed to be better than that fucker over at misplaced aggression. and back to the five of you who give a shit, don't worry too much. i'm lazy and the thought of not only having to not only write a suicide note to my wife, but five more, will keep me hanging on for a bit. sitting around a psych ward makes you lazy. besides, i botched the last one, plus my note was on the back of an envelope and i suppose my wife deserves better. perhaps i will learn to write calligraphy and by the time i'm competent enought to write a beautiful letter on parchment in blood, i'll have already been crushed by a falling piano.

2004-11-03T19:36:00.000-08:00

i told myself i wasn't going to comment on the presidential election, but i will say this: i weep for america.

today

2004-11-01T17:52:00.000-08:00

i went to see my new therapist for the first time today. i was lucky enough to get to fill him in on the trip to the emergency room yesterday. i couldn't control my emotions and went from curled up and crying to a rage in which i punched through a leaded glass window three times. i then tryed to take the shards and cut up my arms, but the glass was too think and the sides too dull to penetrate very deeply. luckily the window was one just sitting on the deck, waiting for something to be done with it. they were going to put my back in the psych hospital, but no one had any beds available, they even tried once place 2 hours away. so they actually had me sign something saying i wouldn't kill myself without calling them. handly little document i suppose. today has been awful, i alternate between the adavan and hydroxyzine and it's never enough. i keep wanting to cry for no reason. i don't know why i am telling this to you, i have told you before i don't like pity. but maybe you know someone like me, and maybe this will help explain what they are going through. cut them slack, be their friend, love them. or get the hell out. we don't need part time friends, they are all around when we are doing good, but let us slip into an episode, and SEE YA! fuck em, we don't need them around. i have very few friends, and most of them are people i have met online. but they are true friends who have stuck with me through thick and thin, who will always be there. they are thee kinds of people who you could call and ask for bail money at 3am and they would never even ask why you needed it. i thank each and every one of you. you make my days easier to live with and my nights easier to sleep through. i wish there were more people like you or that some of you might consider relocating to arkanas. yeah, probably not going to happen there, eh? oh well, i still love you all.

therapy

2004-10-30T17:52:00.000-07:00

black hole in my soul
where i think it used to be
now there's nothing there

everlasting love
oh, cut short by steel and pills
nothing left but pain

the beautiful cuts
rain down my arm to remind
pain that never leaves

two days in a row?

2004-10-27T13:33:00.000-07:00

it can't be so!
but it is, lucky you.
i'm fucked. i am feeling overly manic right now. of all my online support network, no one is available right now, i can't call my wife because i know she will rush home from work, to lose even more time because of me. time that she either has to make up or take off her vacation. evidently they don't believe in just docking your pay. so here i am telling whoever is bored enough to read this that i'm presently going nuts(er). to one who has never been through this, i don't know how to explain it to you. it takes all my self control just to sit still. i want to bang my head against the wall. i want to cut up my arms and legs. i want to do something, anything, to make it all go away. and i can't do a goddamn thing about it. the pills dull the pain, but never enough. talking doesn't really help, either. it just keeps me from getting suicidal. so i'm making you hear about it. maybe you know someone who suffers from manic episodes. maybe this will make you understand them a little more, but i doubt it. the best way to describe it is needing to scream, to scream as loud and as long as you can. to feel release. and not being able to, keeping it all bottled up inside. and who knows? if you started screaming, you might never shut up. well, my daughter is awake, so time to go tend to her, hiding all the pain behind the smiles. ten month olds are easy to fool. lucky for me five year olds are, too. when he sees the cuts, i tell him the kitty did it. when i cry, i dropped something on my foot. it won't always be so easy. what will i say then? gotta run.

look who's back

2004-10-26T16:42:00.000-07:00

hi, i'm tim and this is my oft neglected blog. for those of you who have been reading for some time and have heard my promises of posting more before, i realize you are by now too jaded to believe me. for those of you who don't know about all that, forget that last sentence and believe me when i tell you i will be doing better. there is so much to tell it won't all get told tonight. besides, that would spoil all the fun.
well, now to the gist of things:
i recently attempted suicide. i thought i had everything planned perfectly, but it seems i am simply too mean to die. instead i now get to live with the humiliation of not only being too stupid to live, i'm even too dumb to die properly. that being said, i did get the consolation prize of spending four days in icu, the first two in a drug induced coma, the second two tied to a bed. (in case you are wondering, if you overdose on seroquel and verapamil and don't finish the job, they stick shit down your throat to keep your airway open and make you wear one of those annoying little oxygen things that sticks up your nose) i was evidently NOT a model patient and at one point referred (quite loudly) to one of the nursing staff as a stupid fucking cunt. well, sometimes honesty hurts. when my sister tried to kill herself a number of years ago, i was so disappointed in the care she was receiving, and was so vocal about my disappointment, that i was escorted out by security. as is always the case, i have gotten off track. this is supposed to be about me, my sister can write her own goddamn blog. since my botched attempt i cannot count the number of people who have asked the big question. why? why would i leave my wife and children behind? why did i feel that dying was better than living? why didn't i call someone? i don't have an answer to any of these. i don't fucking know, i wish i did. all i can say is that it seemed like a good idea at the time. then again, i can say that for the vast majority of mistakes i have made in my life. i'm not writing this for pity. i don't deserve any, and please don't offer it. if i deserve anything, it is to be told i am a selfish fucking prick, but i don't really want to hear that either. i just want to write it down. in addition to oding on pills, i also carved my arms with a razor blade and burned myself with cigarettes. i've been a bit of a self injurer for some time now. if you know me, that last sentence is funny as hell. want to draw my blood or give me a shot? i freak out. paper cut? ouch! huge x's carved up and down my forearm? feels great. i think it embarrasses my wife when we go somewhere, as the cuts and burns are so prominent. lucky for her it's almost cool weather. ok, that's enough for now, i have adhd, so i don't often write huge posts. i can't stay focused long enough. luckily i am also ocd, so sometimes i stay focused on one task for hours. you just never know if you are going to get dr jekyl or mr hyde. luck of the draw. well, i'm done. bye.

dropping like flies

2004-09-17T05:24:00.000-07:00

first it was mil millington and the death of things my girlfriend and i have argued about fame. next was diablo cody of pussy ranch. the next to fall was the wonderful and intellegent amy over at after ophelia. the latest casualty is belle de jour. i can now count on one hand the number of blogs i condsider a "must read" (and don't give me shit saying that tmgaihaa wasn't a blog, i know that, but i still checked it daily for updates, so shut up). millions of web pages, and i can't even find six worth reading. perhaps i have set my goals too high, and only this select few are worthy of it. or perhaps everything else on the web is just rubbish. i think it's both.

every now and then

2004-08-24T09:31:00.000-07:00

my son started kindergarten today. seems impossible. luckily he was too excited for me to be sad at the time. how is it that the minutes drag on and the years slip away? how did i get to be so old? i look in the mirror and i don't recognize the man staring back at me. if i didn't have my children i think i would just end it. they are my reason to go on. i have been blessed with the most beautiful, intelligent kids in the world. my daughters smile can bring me out of even the deepest depression, if only for a little while. i live my life in snippets of happiness surrounded by despair. jimmy buffet summed it up best.
"i just want to live happily ever after every now and then."

how can i save the world when i can't save myself?

2004-08-23T17:21:00.000-07:00

perhaps i should feel thankful for the closure. i have gone full circle. well, sort of. when i started this site, while i viewed conservatives in general, and this administration in particular, with disdain, i didn't actually think i could do anything about it. after all, what is one voice screaming in a sea of millions? then something changed. i began to feel that i really could make a difference. that in some small way i could contribute to the greater good of society. i immersed myself in current events, i read everything i could get my hands on concerning politics. i knew the facts and figures to back up my arguments against the resident president. and it worked. i convinced one person who was dead set on voting for bush not to. if you consider the long hours spent up to that time, the reward might not, on the surface, appear to be worth the effort. nothing could be further from the truth. that one vote the ignorant monkey faced idiot will not receive was a direct result of my efforts. it not only made the work up until that point worth the effort, it invigorated me to see how many more votes i could take from him. then i had an absolute systems failure. those of you who have read the sight for some time know all about my breakdown. those of you who don't can read about it in the archives, as if i think too long on it i send myself into another episode. since leaving the hospital i have made sputtering and half hearted attempts to bring myself up to speed, to no avail. it's simply not going to happen. in addition to my local daily paper, i was also reading the email editions of the new york times, the washington post, and usa today in order to make sure i was staying on top of things. now i can't stand to read the paper. i simply can't handle the constant onslaught of bad news, more deaths, and of a chance for peace slipping further and further away. it takes all my efforts just to remain somewhat sane. i have since reverted to a (possibly) self destructive means of coping with my emotions and it saddens me. i am not referring to drugs or alcohol, if you are inclined to assume as much, but rather self injury, specifically cutting. if you are unfamiliar with si, an excellent definition can be found here. i am saddened not for myself, but for the pain my actions have caused my wife. i hid my cutting for as long as a could, but inevitably she noticed the cuts on my arms and thighs. it is only so long you can go keeping your arm turned just so whenever in the presence of another person, or so long you can make sure you are never naked with the lights on. as is the case with anyone who has never suffered from the need to self injure, she simply cannot fathom what would cause me to do something (in her mind) as so horrific. and as most are inclined to do, she misread the cutting as a prelude to suicide. i cannot state emphatically enough that this is not the case. si often prevents suicide, not the opposite. a person driven to si has simply ran out of coping mechanisms and is doing the only thing they know how to control their emotions. the best description i have read as the reason people cut is that cutting is the one pain you can control. enough about that. now, here i am, once again uninvolved in politics. this time, however, it stems not from apathy, but inability. i simply can't do it. i can't be involved in any meaningful way. a good day for me consists of not downing medication by the handful and bleeding on the furniture. this is not to say that i don't have my good days as well. some days i am just as sane and normal as i have ever been (a definition of which is still a subject of much debate). what has changed is that having those days now takes a conscious effort on my part and that part of that conscious effort is removing as much stress as possible from my life. being a stay at home dad with two small children is stressful enough without having monkey boy's idiotic policies adding to the mix. this isn't to say that i won't be updating the site. as it is, the title of the blog seems to apply now more than ever, don't you think? i have been writing more, poetry mainly (see previous post) and might publish more of it here as things progress. for those of you who have been kind enough to lend your time reading what i've had to say, i apologize for the extended absence. i'll try to do better.

untitled

2004-08-22T18:56:00.000-07:00

it's been so long
almost a stranger
like a long forgotten lover
it all comes pouring back
as the steel glides across my skin
it numbs my mind
against the horror of my reality
tidy little rows
like crimson suburban driveways
i feel relief
i feel free
i feel

i'm a celebrity

2004-07-26T12:51:00.000-07:00

hey andy, does this count as some of my fifteen minutes of fame?

i was quoted in a neocon right wing nutbag article back in may of this year. the article concerns the nicholas berg murder. the quote comes from a brief piece i wrote at american samizdat, basically just setting up a link to a news article about the beheading. i was tempted to dissect the article and point to the flaws, but it is just too easy. it's nothing but right wing propaganda.

to be honest, i'm just being vain because i was noticed, even if it was by a neocon goober.

source

on hiatus

2004-07-19T06:43:00.000-07:00

things are (obviously) on hold around here for the time being. i'm not sure what is wrong with me this time. i just can't find it in me to post. i get all these ideas swimming around in my head, but when i try to actually put them into words, nothing comes out. nada. zip. zero. not even the horrible failings of the bush administration can break the spell, it seems. perhaps it's only temporary writers block, i certainly hope so. oh well, i'm off for now.

update

2004-07-11T07:27:00.000-07:00

i'm still alive, just out of pocket. we have been on vacation, i meant to leave a note, but forgot. sue me. lots has happened while i've been away from the blogging world. i'll do my best to catch up.

some good news

2004-07-03T07:27:00.000-07:00

ralph nader won't be on the ballot in arizona come november, thanks to a legal challenge by democrats in the state. as much as i would like to see a three party race, this isn't the election to have one. nader will do nothing but siphon much needed votes from kerry and could very well hand the election to bush. keep in mind that al gore lost the florida vote in 2000 by 537 votes. nader received 97,488 votes in the same election. do we really want this to happen again? way to go, arizona. kristie, you should be proud.

source

more of the same

2004-07-03T07:01:00.000-07:00

the army has charged three soldiers with manslaughter and another with assault due to an incident in january in which the soldiers pushed two iraqi detainees off a bridge into the tigris river. one of the men drowned. just when you thought it couldn't get worse. now we aren't just humiliating and torturing them, we are shoving them off bridges. i can't wait to see what kind of spin the bush white house tries to put on this one. i really don't think they can use the "isolated incidents" excuse any more.

source

remember what we are up against

2004-07-02T13:29:00.000-07:00

from todays arkansas democrat gazette:

Allen Raymond, former president of Virginia-based GOP Marketplace, a Republican consulting group, pleaded guilty in federal court to using computer-generated calls to jam Democratic telephone lines that had been set up to give voters rides to the polls in several New Hampshire cities on election day two years ago.

i really don't see the need to add any commentary, this pretty much speaks for itself. it's not surprising, but it's still disturbing.

same old, same old

2004-07-01T15:29:00.000-07:00

it's not that i am neglecting posting, it's just that there has been nothing i deem worthy of taking the time to write about. saddam goes to trial, yadda yadda yadda. i refuse to read the reports about the number of casualties, it just depresses and angers me. besides, i have been too busy over at after ophelia and friends ripping on an idiot who flamed another member. it makes for interesting reading and you could make a drinking game out of how many misspelled words are in his posts. i'm sure bush will do something exceedingly stupid within the next day or so to raise my ire. if i don't check in before then, everyone have a safe and happy fourth of july weekend.

way to go

2004-06-29T19:59:00.000-07:00

(from today's arkansas democrat-gazette)

aileen fritsch of maplewood, minn., marked her 90th birthday by jumping out of a plane after the longtime nurse and democrat watched former president bush skydive on his 80th birthday and decided she didn't want the republican to get ahead of her.

if a 90 year old woman can jump out of a plane to give the republicans the finger, can't we each at least volunteer a little time to make sure the resident president isn't re-appointed in november? hats off to ms. fritsch. i wish i could meet her and shake her hand. quite a lady, it seems.

this one's for you ms. fritsch:

damn the man and fuck bush

a day (or several months) late

2004-06-29T19:31:00.000-07:00

ben, over at wiseleyb.editme.com has been a regular commenter for some time now, and my lazy ass keeps forgetting to link him. his blog is no longer public, but you can set up a user name and password to read it. you should also check out his news page, which has links to all the best news services and is a great starting point for daily information (it also includes a link to yours truly). you can access that here. many (read: very few) of you may remember many, many months ago i posted a list of bushisms here. at that time ben created a "random bushism generator" which is now featured at the top of the page. the quote will change each time you visit or refresh your browser. why has it taken me this long to get around to adding it? because i'm a dumbass and forgot. i originally tried to add it when it was first completed, but somehow copied the html wrong and it didn't work. ben emailed simple instructions that a three year old could decipher, but i forgot to add it. i happened across his email while looking for my login to download 10 songs for free from some music service i have forgotten the name of. i never found the email. if anyone has an mp3 of the talking heads "don't you (forget about me)" from the breakfast club, it is stuck in my head and i would appreciate the file. anyway, this is my long winded way of saying thanks to ben for the generator and for forgiving my lack of recognition.

i'm still alive

2004-06-27T14:46:00.000-07:00

i've been really busy as of late, and just thought i would let everyone know i have not fallen off the face of the earth. friday night my wife and i volunteered at the annual mda foundation fundraiser here. despite the sad state of the economy, we raised quite a bit of money for a worthy cause. saturday night we went to a john kerry house party and met with the local organizer for his campaign. more later, but i just got in and i'm beat.

all questions, no answers

2004-06-23T17:08:00.000-07:00

in case any of you have failed to notice, i am a bit of a liberal. truth be told that statement is akin to saying that mount everest is a bit of a hill. it stands to reason, then, that i subscribe to socialist ideals, sometimes bordering on belief in the communist system. interestingly enough, my arguments against a socialist/communist state are almost identical to those against our current capitalist democracy. when coupled with the ignorance of the average citizen concerning matters of national importance, corruption in government is the key ingredient to the failure of each system.
take the ussr as an example. while the citizens were living in poverty, the government officials lived in luxurious mansions and dined on filet mignon and caviar. i don't know about you, but i fail to see the redistribution of wealth in this scenario. communism works wonderfully well on paper. factor in human greed, however, and you have a system wrought with corruption and waste.
unfortunately the usa is no better. the lines between the government and business are becoming more blurred every day. i can think of no better example of this than halliburton and the no-bid contracts for work in iraq (note the recent allegations of gross overbilling on said contracts). us politics have become nothing more than "you line my pocketbook, i'll line yours". between the apathy and ignorance of us citizens, we are destined to be treated like the sheep we are becoming. fifty percent of americans still approve of the job bush is doing. fifty percent. what does the man have to do to show people he is both inept and outright evil?
so communism doesn't work because of government corruption. capitalist democracy is no better. what is left? anarchy? doubtful. honestly i don't know, i wish i did. it's easy to sit here and point out flaws without offering a better course of action, but i have yet to come up with one. when i do, you will be the first to know, and if any of you have any better ideas, i am all ears.

good news

2004-06-23T11:46:00.000-07:00

i've been out of pocket the last few days, my apologies for the lack of posting and my inexcusable failure to respond to the emails piling up. i'm back now and luckily have some good news in the fight against the bush terror machine. the latest results in the washington post-abc news poll shows bush losing ground in almost every category. here are some highlights:

- bush's approval rating in managing the war on terrorism is 50%, down from 63% since april

- two months ago, bush held a 21 point lead over kerry when voters were asked which man they trusted to deal with the threats of terrorism. today kerry leads 48% to 47%

- 52% of those surveyed said the war in iraq was not worth fighting, the highest level of disapproval to date by this poll

- 75% of respondents say the war has damaged the image of the us throughout the world

- 55% say they disapprove of the way bush is handling iraq

- bush's over all job approval rating held at 47%, while the disapproval rating reached a new high of 51%

source

bush on iraq

2004-06-18T09:47:00.000-07:00

when bush first began trying to garner support for his invasion of iraq, the reasoning was weapons of mass destruction. when the search for said weapons proved futile, he moved on and stated that there was a relationship between saddam and al qaeda, implying and sometimes outright stating that saddam was part of the orchestration of the 9/11 attacks. after it was discovered that there was in fact no link between iraq and al qaeda bush began saying that the invasion was about liberating the iraqi people. i wonder what his next reason will be when he realizes that a good number of said iraqi people don't want us there and are telling us as much by bombing and otherwise killing our soldiers and contractors? will he ever come out and say "ok, you caught me, it was really always about the money. dick and i figured that between the kickbacks from the exclusive no bid contracts to halliburton and the oil revenue we figured we could scam, we stood to make a bundle. i really didn't think the american public was smart enough to ever catch on". bush may personally be an idiot, but he knows enough to surround himself with people smart enough to stick the big one to the american people while lining their pockets with blood money. the fact that almost 50% of americans actually support this asshole tells me that almost 50% of americans are absolute idiots. in all seriousness, i have a hard time understanding how they can believe all the lies and bullshit put forth from this administration. is it just that they are too proud to admit that their guy is a bastard? most likely. i met a lot of democrats like that during the hummergate fiasco. they were so busy defending everything clinton did that they forgot to actually check and see if maybe there were some things that are indefensible, like perjury. my stance was always this: he got a blowjob, so what? he lied under oath about it, pretty big deal, however, i think fibbing about a hummer when you are married doesn't quite constitute an offence worthy of impeachment. if the republican party is so damn set on the commander in chief telling the truth, why didn't they impeach bush a long time ago? because they know good and goddamn well that bush is looking out for them. had clinton given them all the breaks that bush has, i can guarantee you they wouldn't have dreamed of impeaching him. all this madness has to stop. now. if you aren't registered to vote, go do it. today. this will be a close campaign and the kerry ticket needs all the help it can get. aren't that impressed with kerry? tough shit, neither am i. this election we all need to suck it up and take one for the team.

boston to search train commuters

2004-06-17T19:27:00.000-07:00

source

hmm, random id checks. sounds more like something that would have occured in nazi germany vs. 21st century america. people will blindly accept it, however, as long as it is done in the name of combating terrorism. something tells me most americans would put up with a nationally mandated gps transmitter buttplug if it was done in the name of fighting terrorism. i'll now leave you to savor the thought of a gps transmitter buttplug.

i can't think of a title other than "damn"

2004-06-16T08:12:00.000-07:00

Army Says It Has Enough Troops for 3 More Years

this article is from the la times. you can use the following to access it:
login: misagg
password: password

where to start? first of all, the army is saying it has enough troops to fight in iraq and afghanistan for three more years. so far we have lost 835 troops in 455 days of combat (for a constant update, check out icasualties.org). this averages out to 1.84 deaths a day. if we are in iraq for three more years (1095 days), and we assume the same rate of casualties, we are looking at a total of 2,852 american soldiers being sent home in caskets. it should be noted that they aren't saying that the us will be in iraq that long, but it is telling that they are planning that far in advance.
it is also worth noting that gen. peter schoomaker, the army chief of staff, came out of retirement last year to replace gen. eric shinseki, who said that far more troops would be needed in iraq than the pentagon had sent. goes to show what happens when you tell bush something he doesn't want to hear (see: tenet resignation).
despite a recently unretired general sitting in washington telling everyone there are plenty of troops over there, it seems that the commanders who are actually in charge of the fighting are complaining about the lack of manpower.
according to the article, the army is also preventing soldiers from leaving the armed forces, even if they are due to be discharged. i'll bet that provision was somewhere buried in the fine print when they enlisted.

i'll leave you with this quote, which almost made me spill my coffee:

Schoomaker said that if the war on terrorism and the war in Iraq continued to strain the military, his plan to remake the Army could hit snags.

"If we get to a point in 2007 that says I can't make the efficiencies, I'm going to say we need a permanent" increase in manpower, he said.

he'll let things go for three years and then look at doing something about it?

a victory or not?

2004-06-16T07:31:00.000-07:00

House Panel Drops 'Safe Harbor for Churches' Measure (washingtonpost.com)

when i saw the headline and began reading the article, i thought this was a victory for those of us who don't think religion has any place in government. upon further scrutiny, however, i'm not sure that it isn't such a bad idea, as it allows the irs (an entity i am usually loathe to give added strength) to more closely scrutinize church finances. richard land, the head of the southern baptist ethics and religious liberty commission stated that the measure would require "an unacceptable intrusion of the irs into the business of the church.". i believe mr. land hit the nail on the head. church is a business, and a quite profitable one, i might add. all that money flowing through churches around the country, tax free. i'm sure that many churches do spend a fair amount on legitimate charity, feeding and clothing the poor, etc. i also know that the church my mother attends recently spent an assload of money on new lighting and granite. i sure wish they would show me the part in the bible that says "and ye shall spent thousands of dollars so as to be as pretty as thine neighbors church, whilst people do starve in the streets". i must have missed that one in my christian upbringing.

score one for the religious right.

big brother

2004-06-16T03:12:00.000-07:00

evidently the link i provided in the post below isn't working correctly. here is the article i mention in the post:

WASHINGTON -- While you were watching President Ronald W. Reagan's caisson wend its way up Constitution Avenue to the Capitol Rotunda on your television screen, Health and Human Services (HHS) Secretary Tommy Thompson was watching you on his screen.

Or, more accurately, watching out for you on numerous satellite video screens in his Washington-based "Command Center" -- a surreal, high-tech, couch-potato fantasy located in a large, converted conference room a few steps from Thompson's office in a nondescript building on Independence Avenue.

Thompson gave me a tour of his universe Wednesday a few hours before Reagan's body arrived in Washington for funeral ceremonies. The aptly named Command Center looks and feels like a hybrid of Star Trek and ER. I half expected Spock and Leonard McCoy to beam down and report to Captain Thompson.

All four walls are filled with plasma television screens, the latest in display technology, including some with satellite videoconferencing capabilities. The floorspace is filled with rows of tables and computers, and populated with men and women from various branches of the military as well as civilian experts in science, medicine and bioterrorism.

Thompson put this place and team together about two years ago following the anthrax attacks. Caught off guard and harshly criticized for his handling of the anthrax scare, he clearly doesn't intend to allow a repeat.

"This is the most exciting war room in the world," Thompson says with grim pride. With its own ventilation system, it is also impervious to bioterrorist attack.

If a bomb goes off, Thompson says, "we can stay."

There is solace in that knowledge, even if the technology that permits such preparation is chillingly Orwellian.

"What's your address?" Thompson asks. I give him a street number and a grid suddenly appears on a screen with a tiny computer-generated hand resting on the spot. When I asked if he could tell whether my assistant had shown up for work, Thompson laughed, but not much. In a few months, technology under development will allow his staff to zero in on a license plate.

Another wall is covered with one huge screen, which is really 10 screens cobbled together, that can project the entire planet as a flat, one-dimensional image with touch-pad access to location-specific information. An adjacent wall is home to four television screens that can pick up 4,000 stations. I lift a telephone receiver to hear the telecast from Al-Jazeera. Other screens map weather, storm damage and diseases.

Thompson points to a map of Asia where the Avian (H5N1) Influenza, a deadly disease, has infected millions of birds (geese, ducks, chickens) and taken a human toll in several countries, including Taiwan, China and Vietnam. This particularly lethal virus, for which there is no vaccine, is Thompson's greatest concern, he says.

Another screen reports on America's 6,600 hospitals. With a finger tap to the screen, Thompson can know instantly the capacity of every hospital in the nation: how many beds, doctors, nurses, etc.

Next to the hospital screen is a grid of The Cloister, the Sea Island, Ga., resort where the G-8 (Group of Eight) Summit was meeting. From Command Center in Washington, Thompson and his 24/7 crew can direct emergency teams to just the right door -- or hospital. A similar mobile surveillance center is deployed in Georgia.

HHS has "multiple" mobile facilities, but Thompson won't say how many. He could tell me, of course, but then he'd have to kill me. That's a joke, but Thompson doesn't laugh much. The former Wisconsin governor, who left office with an 82 percent approval rating, is a serious man these days. Bearing the burden of saving hundreds, thousands or millions of lives in the event of a WMD puts job-related stress in fresh perspective.

Wednesday night was solemn as more than 17 personnel from the Defense Department, as well as various health and emergency agencies, kept close watch over Reagan's entourage and the Georgia summit. Thompson stepped out to attend the formal reception at the Rotunda, but stayed in constant contact with the center throughout the evening. As you were sleeping, Thompson's Command Center was not.

It is an odd sensation to find comfort in the knowledge that your government is watching, but so it goes in the age of terrorism. The movie is us, and "remote control" isn't just a channel changer anymore.

1984 is here, 20 years late

2004-06-15T11:14:00.000-07:00

while i understand the need for monitoring activities to combat terrorism, everything mentioned in this article scares the living shit out of me. according to the article listed below, in a few years the "command center" will be able to zero in on the license plate of a car. if you think this will only be used to combat terrorism, i have a bridge i would like to sell you. say goodbye to privacy forever. how long will it be before every city in the country is covered with video cameras recording our every move? next will come the audio recording our conversations. where will it end? i don't want to sound like your average nutcase conspiracy theorist, but it's hard to not be scared. sadly this is one phenomenon i'm not blaming solely on the bush administration. something tells me that no matter who is in office, this trend will continue. it's getting time to pack up and head for the hills.

if you are interesting in reading the article, you will need to either register with the orlando sentinel (it's free) or you are welcome to use my login.
username: misagg
password: password

source

a comparison

2004-06-15T07:47:00.000-07:00

each day i become more and more annoyed at the bush apologists. it the eyes of your average neo-con religious right nitwit, the man can do no wrong. i am reminded of the cries of said nitwits about clinton apologists during his tenure, but let's take a look at the differences, shall we? let me preface this by saying that in no way am i one of the clinton apologists mentioned. i am more that willing to admit he made some horrible mistakes while in office. i think it should also be noted that under his watch we had a wonderful economy, a huge surplus, and many countries didn't despise us. clinton lied about getting a hummer and about a shady land deal in which he lost money. fact is, he lied (even under oath about the hummer, and don't give me any shit about the definition of "sexual relations"). ok, shame on him. he shouldn't have done it. but let's look at the consequences:
total number of people killed because of clinton's lies: zero
in contrast, bush is guilty of insider trading while on the board of harkin chemicals (i have written about this in detail before, i am too lazy to find and link it, if you are interested, check the archives), bush also lied about the presence of weapons of mass destruction in iraq. it should be noted that i have only picked two of bush's horrible sins while in office, the total could fill volumes and would most likely crash blogger's servers.
total number of people killed because of bush's lies: growing daily
i am willing to let bush make all the shady deals he sees fit, as will as have an intern bent over the podium while he gives his state of the union address if he can learn to be half the president that clinton was.
in closing, damn the man and fuck bush

too scary to be true?

2004-06-13T18:43:00.000-07:00

are you the kind of person who loves to curl up on a dark and stormy night with a suspense novel? enjoy the fear of a good thriller? simply like being scared to death? try reading the aclu's latest information on the usapatriot act two, now with more crimes against civil libertieshere. scared the pants off me.

halliburton overbills the us

2004-06-13T04:48:00.000-07:00

source (cbs news)

according to cbs news, halliburton has overbilled the us $61 million for gasoline delivered in iraq, as well as submitting a proposal for cafeteria services that was $67 million too high. by the way, this is one of the famous "no bid" contracts that halliburton has received courtesy of dick cheny and pals.
the government had this to say:

"The defense officials said they had no reason to believe the problems were anything other than "stupid mistakes" by Halliburton."

let me explain the meaning of "stupid mistakes" for the defense department:
forgetting to buy milk when you go to the grocery store is a stupid mistake.
not adding detergent to the laundry is a stupid mistake.
forgetting to return a rented movie on time is a stupid mistake.

costing the taxpayers millions of dollars, however, is gross fucking negligence (at best).

what we have done

2004-06-13T03:59:00.000-07:00

source (washingtonpost.com)

seems it is now open season on members of the new iraqi governing council. we have fostered so much hate in the country that i doubt our ability to restore any sense of security. as reports pile up on new deaths and kidnappings each day, the country falls deeper and deeper into chaos. there is no doubt things were horrible under saddam, the question is: are they any better now? the violence increases every day, the turning over of power to the iraqis will at best be a symbolic gesture, and basically, everyone is fucked. good job dubya.

dumbass

2004-06-11T18:08:00.000-07:00

i evidently missed this comment when it was first posted, or i would have surely commented. i find it odd that the people who cry the loudest always post anonymously, like that annoying bitty over at sarah's who rambled on so much some while ago.

for your reading pleasure, i have included his obviously intelligent and well reasoned response below. you can read the post to which he was replying here. what a wanker.

straight from the horse's ass:

It never ceases to amaze me that there are such stupid people in the world. You people have probably never been out of this country, never even seen how things are run and what the real world is like.
You have probably never even been crawling thru a field, in the pitch dark, probing the path in front of you checking for mines, hoping that you would not get your head blown off. Once you reach the target, you have to look down the barrel thru your scope, pick the target and squeeze the trigger. If it had not been done, you would know nothing of the freedoms you are now enjoying.
You make me sick, you are the type of people who sit back and wring your hands when things go wrong, all you want to do is blame other people for what is going on.
You have no idea what it takes to keep your ass safe from those who want to come in and take away your freedoms.
You have no idea how good you have it, living where you live, how you live, and even the job you have.
512 | 05.28.04 - 3:19 pm | #

i was originally going to respond to mr. 512's idiotic comments, but then i decided to give the response said comments truly deserve:

twat.

more on abuse

2004-06-11T18:01:00.000-07:00

source (washington post)

"A military intelligence interrogator also told investigators that two dog handlers at Abu Ghraib were "having a contest" to see how many detainees they could make involuntarily urinate out of fear of the dogs, according to the previously undisclosed statements obtained by The Washington Post."

what can i add to that? the only thing that comes to mind is wondering why there haven't been more beheadings of american citizens in iraq. we invade a country promising freedom and democracy, no more torture under an evil dictator, and what do we deliver? more of the same, only this time the evil dictator is george w bush. of course, bush will still stand by rummy and refuse to let the blame get too high up the ladder.

"So far, the only charges to emerge have been against seven MPs and do not include any dog incidents, even though such use of dogs is an apparent violation of the Geneva Conventions and the Army's field manual. The military intelligence officer in charge of Abu Ghraib later told investigators that the use of unmuzzled dogs in interrogation sessions was recommended by a two-star general and that it was "okay."

once again we spit in the face of the geneva convention. are we TRYING to make the world hate us?

for once i am at a loss for words as to what to add. read the article for yourself and draw your own conclusions.

damn the man and fuck bush

Memo Offered Justification for Use of Torture

2004-06-08T09:34:00.000-07:00

Memo Offered Justification for Use of Torture

i can't really say this suprises me. nothing the bush white house does surprises me anymore. truth is stranger than fiction.

and now back to business

2004-06-02T13:14:00.000-07:00

i've wasted enough time, back to work.

first off, here is some information from a recent gallup poll showing bush's approval rating broken down by democrat, independent, and republican. note the nosedive among independent voters. here's to hoping they all swing to kerry and stay away from nader.

the following article from the washington post outlines how some are taking a dim view of bush's management style in the white house. i could have saved them three and a half years of horror and told them this back in 2000 had they asked. paul begala tried to and they didn't listen.
Management Style Shows Weaknesses (washingtonpost.com)

some excerpts from the article:

from the horse's mouth:

"I put a lot of faith and trust in my staff," he wrote in his 1999 autobiography, "A Charge to Keep."
of course you do, your not smart enough to handle the job yourself. hell, karl rove has to tie your shoes.

"My job is to set the agenda and tone and framework, to lay out the principles by which we operate and make decisions, and then delegate much of the process to them," Bush wrote, adding that he sees holding people accountable as an essential ingredient.
you mean just like you are holding donald rumsfeld accountable? maybe i need to come work for you, exactly what does it take to get canned around there?

and other tidbits:

After weeks of research, officials at the White House, State Department and Pentagon said they were still unable to supply a specific timeline of what Bush knew, and when, about allegations of systemic problems in military prisons.
trying to pinpoint what bush knows must truly be a daunting task, indeed

Bush's aides say the graphic images documenting the abuse of detainees took him by surprise. But as they tell it, the president and his staff received many clues over the past year that there might be a problem -- for example, periodic reports from the International Committee of the Red Cross -- and did nothing because they had been assured the Pentagon was on the case.
and in the course of that year, NO ONE thought about checking into this? some asshole at the pentagon says "we're on the case" and you leave it at that? THAT is leadership for you ladies and gentlemen.

ok, enough of my ramblings for now, go read the article yourself. i promise to be back with more later. in my defense, i have about two weeks worth of articles to sort and read. and cue the violins.

excuses are like...

2004-06-01T18:16:00.000-07:00

we have been without phone service, and subsequently dsl, since saturday evening, hence my lack of posts. the box where the line comes into the house was so corroded that whenever you touched anything, it crumbled. it's a wonder it has been working this long. i will get back up to speed on what is happening this evening and tomorrow. i was in desperate need of my blog fix. what a junkie, eh?

the whole story

2004-05-26T18:46:00.000-07:00

ok, you all know i'm back, and you all know a smattering of the details, but here for your reading pleasure is the whole ugly story, if you care to read it. i would personally advise against it, it's not pretty and you stand to gain nothing.

thursday before last my brain broke. that is the best way to describe it. i was cleaning my son's room after the umpteenth time of telling him to. suddenly i was overcome with rage (this is nothing new, i suffer from general anxiety disorder and bipolar disorder, so i am used to huge mood swings). what made this different was that the rage was uncontrollable. i threw a large plastic bin through the wall, yelled and screamed, and generally threw a fit. at this point i realized i was out of control and took my pistol and all my meds and locked them in the safe, giving my wife the key. i went outside and starting burning my arm with a cigarette lighter, scratching myself and banging my head on the house, trying to clear my head (these problems persisted for a number of days and i still get the urge to scratch and bang my head against something whenever i have an attack). luckily i married well and my wife had not only gathered the kids on the other end of the house, but called my sister and her husband to come watch them while she drove me to the er. at this point she had calmed me enough that i was no longer trying to harm myself, but i still couldn't think. i still can't. it's like after the first time you take lsd you never look at reality the same again. only this wasn't a pleasant trip. this was my worst nightmare, only real and in living color. obviously the hospital pumped me full of enough sedatives to take down oprah winfrey, so i don't remember much, other than that i was on suicide watch (needless, i never wanted to die, only hurt myself, evidently) and i always had to have a nurse in the room. the following day i was taken to a mental health facility (such a pleasant way to say a nuthouse) and was there for seven days of inpatient treatment, followed by four days of iop (intensive outpatient treatment), which means you're there all fucking day but get to sleep in your own goddamn bed. what happened while i was there could fill a novel, and i may write more on that later, it was quite an experience and i met some wonderful and interesting people, along with some quite horrifying ones. i had my first meeting with my therapist today, and i also see a psychiatrist as well. they have loaded me up on medication, raising the dosage on some that i was already on and adding quite a few more. some of the uppages are huge. i went from 250 mg of depakote (an anti-psychotic) daily to 1500. amazing what a nervous breakdown can do. the problem now is that i'm not sure why it is that i can't think. i can't seem to concentrate on anything for more than a couple of minutes (this post is taking forever what with all the cigarette breaks), and i have a hard time expressing myself (something i am sure we can all agree has never been a problem before). as i have shared before, i wasn't exactly perfect mentally before all this, but it has gone from bad to worse. a good day is me not downing seroquel by the handful and sitting around rocking back and forth with my knees pulled up in front of me. today was a good day. only two seroquel, no real attacks. we are having my mother and friends stay with me during the day so i am not home alone with the kids. how horrible would it be for one of them to get hurt while i am in the middle of an attack and can't do anything about it? i'm sure it will be ok and i trust my karma, i just have to take it one day at a time. well, that's just about it up to this point. i'm not sure why i shared this. i'm not sure anyone will be comfortable reading something this personal about my life. maybe i just needed to get it off my chest. maybe i like using the anonymity of the internet to share intimate details with people i will never have to look in the eye. whatever the reason, it is done.

i just can't

2004-05-23T18:49:00.000-07:00

i can't do it. i try to find interesting things to write about. i try to immerse myself in the news to post the latest world happenings. i try. but i just can't find the strength to do it. i don't want the site to fade away, but i don't know what to do. every day it takes every ounce of my energy to simply be me. i am trying my best to hold it together. maybe i will have to lose the political slant and just write to be writing, but at the time i can't even handle that. the words don't come. this post is draining me. i have missed you all and i thank you for the kind words. i promise i will be back, i just don't know when and in what form. in the meantime, i have missed writing this:
DAMN THE MAN AND FUCK BUSH!!!!!!!!

an explanation

2004-05-22T04:49:00.000-07:00

i haven't posted in a while, i know. long story short, i basically had a nervous breakdown last thursday and have been in a mental therapy hospital since then. for those of you who didn't know, i am bipolar and it has gotten worse. i was released yesterday, but i will still be in outpatient therapy this next week. i will be back up to speed soon, but for the time being i am being kept heavily sedated. any positive vibes you can send my way would be greatly appreciated. also, since i have had almost no contact with the outside world while institutionalized, if anyone wants to get me up to speed on what has been happening, i would greatly appreciate it. i suppose this answers all your questions as to why i am crazy.

it's ok if someone tells you to?

2004-05-12T08:54:00.000-07:00

Female GI In Abuse Photos Talks | May 12, 2004�11:44:13

"To all of us who have been charged, we all agree that we don't feel like we were doing things that we weren't supposed to, because we were told to do them. We think everything was justified, because we were instructed to do this and to do that," England said.

so what she is saying is that anything is ok if your superior told you to do it? is this the mindset of our armed forces, or simply the cop out of the ones who got caught? i certainly hope it's the latter. the very fact that she said such a thing deeply disturbs me. if you are so morally bankrupt that you don't see the wrong in humiliation and torture, you need help. i could write more on this, but it is simply too goddamn depressing.

the backlash has begun

2004-05-12T07:29:00.000-07:00

The New York Times > International > Middle East > Iraq Videotape Shows the Decapitation of an American

well, hats off to the sick and depraved us troops who tortured and abused iraqi prisoners. because of you, a us citizen (not military personnel, a private citizen) was beheaded. in the videotape made of his death, one of his captors says : "For the mothers and wives of American soldiers, we tell you that we asked the U.S. administration to exchange this hostage with some of the detainees in Abu Ghraib, and they refused."
while the beheading is a deplorable act, as is the ending of any human life, most especially an innocent one, can we really be surprised at the backlash? i expect much more of the same in the days to come. horrifying.
we need to get out of iraq NOW

Bush Approval on Iraq, Economy, and Terrorism at Low Points

2004-05-11T14:51:00.000-07:00

Bush Approval on Iraq, Economy, and Terrorism at Low Points

some quick points, though i would encourage you to follow the link and read all the information:

- at this time last year 37% of americans were dissatisfied with the way things are going in the country, this has now grown to 62%

- over the last year, bush's approval rating on foreign affairs has dropped from 68% to 42%

- since june of last year, bush's approval rating on handling the situation in iraq has dropped from 63% to 42%

- since august of last year, bush's approval rating on combating terrorism has fallen from 66% to 52%

- since december of last year, bush's general approval rating has dropped from 63% to 49%

great job, george. this might not be as close an election as predicted. nothing would make me happier than to see your ass handed to you on a platter, much like your father's was way back in '92. unfortunately, we don't have a candidate on a par with clinton, but it could happen, yet. just keep screwing up.

all information courtesy of gallup polls, link above.

Mistreatment Of Detainees Went Beyond Guards' Abuse (washingtonpost.com)

2004-05-11T14:22:00.000-07:00

Mistreatment Of Detainees Went Beyond Guards' Abuse (washingtonpost.com)

we need to get out of iraq. NOW. what tiny bit of credibility we had in the muslim world is gone for the foreseeable future. we have proven we are no better than those we call evil. as bush continues to lie and say that these are isolated incidents, the international red cross has called the abuse of prisoners widespread and violations of the geneva convention abound. with more photos coming out, ill will towards the us will only grow. we need to beg other countries to clean up our mess, because i doubt we will be effective at anything outside of causing more violence and civilian casualties. i'm no fan of the un, but bush needs to suck it up and ask for help. he fucked up by invading iraq in the first place, and it is quickly becoming a problem with no solution. we now owe the people of iraq a stable government, and we are going to be unable to provide it.

on an unrelated note: whenever i criticize the us, someone is always quick to point out "it's the best i've seen" or "at least the us is better than most countries" and so on. so the fuck what? being a little less evil than the other guy doesn't make you good, it just means you suck a little less. why are people willing to settle for mediocrity when it comes to government? if we are the symbol of freedom and democracy, then the world is royally screwed. simple as that. i want a great government. i don't want to trod along being a little better than the rest of the pack. i expect more. i demand more. and i am either going to get more, or die trying. with the final traces of my former apathy gone, i am ready to do something about it for once. if only i could figure out where to start. it's like looking at a building that has collapsed and wondering where to start piecing it back together. as always, damn the man and fuck bush!

jury duty

2004-05-10T18:21:00.000-07:00

one of the biggest gripes i have had from george bush forcing me to become an activist is the registering to vote part. i'm not sure if it is like this everywhere, but in arkansas the jury pool is selected from the voter database. i don't want to serve on a jury. i would be a waste of the court's time. all this is because ben made a post that pretty much summed up my feelings. by the way ben, rest assured if i am ever called to jury duty, i will rip you off so much you can probably sue. his answers word for word express my views. anyway, you can read his post here.

a letter from amnesty international to george bush

2004-05-09T18:03:00.000-07:00

An open letter to President George W. Bush on the question of torture and cruel, inhuman or degrading treatment

bush, rumsfeld, and company would like us to believe that the incidents of abuse and torture at abu ghraib are isolated incidents and not indicative of the practices of the us military as a whole. while i would like to believe this, it is becoming increasingly difficult as more information comes to light. amnesty international has sent a letter to bush outlining their concerns. i found it interesting to note that the us government has refused amnesty international access to our detention centers. it was common in the months leading up to the invasion of iraq to hear that if saddam had nothing to hide, why not offer unrestricted access to un weapons inspectors. if the us has nothing to hide concerning treatment at our detention centers (such a nice word for a pow camp), why not grant unrestricted access to amnesty international and the un at our facilities. if we have nothing to hide, then why are we hiding it? i could go on, but i would only be repeating what is in the letter. read it for yourself. it is a sad, sad time to be an american.

new site

2004-05-07T21:10:00.000-07:00

kristie of divine distraction and i have decided to undertake co-blogging. the new site is www.divineaggression.blogspot.com. i am looking forward to posting there. our goal is to provide some point/counterpoint type dialogue. i hope you will take a few minutes and check it out.

2004-05-06T21:39:00.000-07:00

I think being left or right is a genetic disposition... I don't think you can change a conservative into an intelligent person. Unfortunately the dum dums tend to be conservative as well as fucking like rabbits... godam it! Where's Darwin when you need him?

this is the comment posted by ben in an earlier post, and i decided it deserved a full post to comment. he's right, absolutely. the masses are easily led, and they propagate like mad. the same people who buy into the religious nonsense are the people who buy into the conservative nonsense, hence the "religious right". there are people out there who will vote for bush because he is the "moral choice". i have argued with them, to no avail. it all basically boils down to abortion, a touchy subject. i am stuck in the middle on the issue, so i find it hard to argue about it. personally i am appalled by the notion, but i recognize that being sans uterus makes my opinion null. i will never have to make the choice, so who am i to judge. it is obvious we don't need any more babies born to mothers who can't/won't support them. so you tell me, which is better: to never be born, or to be born into a life of poverty with no chance for escape because the man fucks you at every turn? it always amazes me that the same people who piss and moan for the unborn never do shit to help them once they are. when i see waspy american lining up to adopt crack babies, i will rethink my stance on abortion. until then, shut the fuck up. and if you have a penis, the shut the fuck up goes double for you. it has dick all to do with you and i am sick of hearing it. ok, this got waaaaay off track, but i think that is a good thing. morality is not always black and white. while we like to think it is, i don't think it's so. i don't condone killing in any form. doesn't matter the circumstances, i think it is wrong. there are people who believe that persons who commit horrible acts should be punished with death. i disagree personally, but maybe i am off base. i do know that i would not lose a bit of sleep if the people who tortured the iraqi pow's were shot. i can't support the notion, but i can't deny the feeling that they deserve something horrible. i don't have the answer. it's late, and i am just rambling. i would appreciate your input. am i off-base here?

damn

2004-05-06T08:37:00.000-07:00

washingtonpost.com: Faces of the Fallen

this link was mentioned by sarah in her comment to my previous post. take a few minutes out of your day to look at the faces of our soldiers who have been killed by bush's war of bravado. he is responsible for each of their deaths and for the families who are now without a son/daughter/wife/husband/mother/father. i can't say this enough, fuck him and fuck his stupid war. and fuck him laughing about not finding wmd's while our soldiers are paying the price for his stupidity. asshole.

hats off to george

2004-05-03T19:44:00.000-07:00

it's a brand new week, and time for more positive comments about our resident president.
george w bush has never come to my house and tried to make my children stupid. when i am working with my son on letters and numbers, i have never come back from the bathroom to find bush in my dining room telling my son that CAT spells dog.
HOWEVER (and i know you were waiting for the however), with his asinine cuts in the head start program coupled with his no child left behind act that was so horrendous even the republicans had to slam him on it, bush has done more to dumb down the children of america than any president in memory. maybe he is just trying to get the collective iq of america down in his range (i would guess around 50).

i know, i know, that was weak. to tell the truth, after only three weeks, i am racking my brain trying to come up with even left handed compliments for our idiot in chief. if any of you can come up with anything, i would love to post it here (who knows, i might even give you the credit). besides, looking back on my posts, it doesn't have to be very witty or entertaining to be on a par with mine, so just send me anything. or don't, it's still a relatively free country, though it might not be for long.

the time to hesitate is through

2004-05-02T20:30:00.000-07:00

well, tonight was the meeting for our local chapter of moveon.org. a very disappointing turnout, only 21 people. there was a lot of talk and brainstorming sessions, but no one really talked about doing anything outside of what is already planned. in spite of this, i am in good spirits. there was a 16 year old girl who founded a young democrats club at her high school, as well as a couple well into their 80's who were ready to get to work on ousting bush. sometimes, for just a fleeting moment, i have faith in our system and in our people for working to take back that system and make it right.

time to move on

2004-05-01T21:38:00.000-07:00

tomorrow is the community meeting nationwide for moveon.org, in preparation for next weekends voter registration drive. to find out what's going on in your area, go to www.moveon.org. great organization, great cause. try to find just a few hours to devote to changing the world.

new and improved jim crowe

2004-04-29T18:30:00.000-07:00

i have been thinking (danger will robinson) and have decided that the old "separate but equal" crowd was on to something. the only part they had wrong was that they wanted to divide by who has the better tan. being the forward thinking fella that i am, i want to be the first to come out in favor of separate but equal facilities for liberals and conservatives. rather than separate schools and separate entrances at the theatre, however, i am proposing separate states. i have come up with a tentative list of states that i would be willing to give to republicans, to fuck up as they see fit, while leaving the rest of us alone. i propose we grant the republicans the states of :texas, kentucky, wyoming, utah, north and south dakota, alaska, mississippi, alabama, georgia, tennesse (except memphis, which would become part of arkansas), missouri, oklahoma, minnesota, michigan, kansas, idaho, iowa, wisconsin, and montana. while i am offering the republicans less than half of the states, in terms of square miles, they are getting the better deal. hey, i'm fair. if you are a liberal living in one of the aforementioned states, my advice to you would be to move now. you all know what will happen to your property value once "they" start moving in. i propose a gradual shift, so as to avoid overtaxing the u-haul industry, and i think we can have the whole country living separately within three years. this will leave the rest of us to go about our daily lives without having someone shoving their asinine moral philosophy down our throats at every turn. just think, when you go out to eat, you won't have to worry about sitting next to "one of them" or, worse yet, for your children to play with them at school. so who's with me?

bush's butt boy?

2004-04-29T17:16:00.000-07:00

source

in his april 22nd column, thomas sowell calls the arrest of martha stewart "...one of the sad signs of our times". mr sowell appears (*more on this later) to be all in favor of insider trading, choosing to view it as simply "a risk" and going on to say that "risk is the very reason stocks exist in the first place-and nobody is forced to buy them.". very true tom (may i call you tom?), but is it really a standard risk when one side has knowledge the other cannot possilbly know? the very reason there are laws against insider trading is to maintain the faith of the american people in the whole public trading system. tom is a smart fella, he should know better. and i suspect he does, but before i get into that, i want to take one more jab. the second paragraph in the article states "perjury should, of course, be a crime, even when it is by a president of the united states". obvious reference to bill clinton by yet another conservative that just can't get over clinton and just admit things were better when billy jeff was getting hummers in the oval office. i just find it interesting that he would bring this up in the wake of dubya and dick refusing to testify under oath to the 9/11 commission. can't lie under oath if you're not under oath is their motto, i suppose.
* ok, the more on tom's insider trading opinion: the whole argument is ridiculous to the point of laughter. no one in their right mind would buy that. does anyone remember harken chemicals? and bush's dumping of shares two months prior to a freefall in the stock price? is tom just sucking up to the bush admin, giving them leverage when the allegations come up again? i can hear them now, "it is the view of this administration that the current insider trading laws are grossly unfair to the extremely wealthy and well connected among us...". the same admin that was going to "restore honesty and integrity to the white house" and to bring some "corporate accountability" to america. of course, there is another option. perhaps tom wrote this column under duress. perhaps karl rove showed up one day with pictures of the oh so proper mr sowell engaged in some not very proper things with an underage vietamese prostitute. please bear in mind this is all speculation, i have no idea the nationality of the prostitute. hey, i'm not here to answer the questions, just to ask them.

disclaimer: get a life, it's a joke. anyone stupid enough to read the part about the underage prostitute and believe it is obviously a republican and needs to get the hell off my site

damnit

2004-04-29T14:51:00.000-07:00

last night i was most of the way through a post when my computer started acting up. ending up escalating to the point i had to reformat the hard drive and start from scratch. this started at 8pm and i finally got to bed around 3. luckily i had a good portion of my files backed up, though i had to go back and redownload a lot. lost some unimportant junk i just kept because i'm an information pack rack. you know the drill, cue the violins............now.

i am such a thief

2004-04-26T21:16:00.000-07:00

i am ripping off everyone over at AO&F and have made a "100 things about me" list for those of you who give a shit. i know, it's the ultimate in online narcissism, but lots of fun. you can find it here.

think positive

2004-04-25T17:48:00.000-07:00

some time ago i promised to try and say one positive thing about bush each week, to help balance the equation. a little yin for the yang, or yang for the yin if you will. i haven't forgotten that pledge. may i present to you:
the second positive thing i have ever come up with to say about the resident president:
george w bush has not, to my knowledge, ever come right out and said that he hates all minorities, homosexuals, women, children, and anyone making under $250k a year. he certainly implies it with everything he says or does, buy he has thus far held his tongue on the issue. any control over said tongue displayed by said idiot is deserving of a standing ovation in and of itself, but that's beside the point. i want to say, hats off to you george, you manage to tell us all that you despise us and our silly civil liberties, without ever having to actually say it, for you would no doubt mangle it and it would come out "word beaver tax cut salmon ert churg". i don't think that kind of hatred has been so well implied since your forebears' fed everyone the "separate but equal" line so long ago. kudos man, kudos.

i lose

2004-04-23T14:55:00.000-07:00

i'm a bit of an asshole. no, really. as hard as you may find that to believe, it's true. my assholosity, if you will, seems to really come out on the telephone. i don't know if it's because i don't have to look the other person in the eye while i question their parentage, or if i'm just pissed off at having to be on the phone in the first place. because of this, i'm really good at getting my way when dealing with companies on the phone. i've been given free months of telephone service, had fees waived, refunds given, etc. i think they finally just give in to get me to shut up. this is one of my favorites (and you might want to file it away for future reference): back when my wife and i had credit cards (helping make the man a little richer, one high interest rate at a time) i was almost late one month paying my bill. to avoid the $25 late fee, my wife called and did a check-by-phone. trouble is, they transcribed the numbers wrong, so next month, no credit to the account and $25 in late fees. ok, i call and 20 minutes later we establish what has happened. then i look down at my statement and realize that this is my personal card, and melissa's name isn't even on the account. i spend the next 15 minutes arguing that they shouldn't have even spoken with her about my bill, much less allowed her to make a payment, as she wasn't an authorized user. in the end, they refunded me my fee. the bad news is that my wife obviously wouldn't be calling in any more payments for me on that account. as per the usual, i have gotten off track. the whole point is that i am good at arguing on the phone. before today, that is. today i lost. the bastard that is steve case's aol/compuserve empire got me. i called to cancel my service a week ago. this morning i check our bank balance online and see that i have been charged. off to the phone i go. 20 voice-prompt questions...10 minutes of holding...live person, who is NOT speaking english as a native language. he's obviously reading everything from a cue card, which irks me to no end. i explain what happened, and he says there is no record of my calling. i give him my confirmation number (ALWAYS keep those things), oh, here it is...blah blah blah. he says that my account has been accessed since i cancelled and that any activity on the account automatically renews the membership. then i realize that when i switched, i used a program that uses email forwarding, and that is what was accessing my account. i explain this, thinking i can still get a refund out of him yet. after arguing and being transferred to a supervisor, i am told the best they can do is give me two free months of service for my troubles. i am going to try to recount the conversation from there as best i can:
asshole:for your great inconvenience we will be more than happy to offer you two free months of access, and if at the end of that time you wish to cancel, you can then do so.
me:i don't want the service, i don't need it. i use dsl now.
asshole: did you know that we offer compuserve as a piggyback to your dsl account for only $7 a month?
me: yes, they told me that last time, when i CANCELLED my account.
asshole: so you are not interested in the service, then?
me (blood pressure approx: 185/50000): NO I DON'T WANT IT. I WANT TO CANCEL MY GODDAMN ACCOUNT
asshole (by the way, he never lost the same monotone even when i yelled at him)ok, i understand this, but you are already paid up through may 19th, you may continue to use your account until then, and cancel at that time
me: i don't NEED the account, i want to cancel it NOW, while i have you on the phone.
asshole: i understand that sir (I HATE that they tell me they understand everything), but $22 is a lot of money, do you really want to waste it?
me: no, i don't want to waste it, i want you to give it back to me
asshole: well, as i explained earlier, we can only offer credit towards future service
me: ok, can you just give my credit to someone else? just surprise someone with 2 months free?
asshole: no, i am sorry, it is only good for your account
me: ok, i just want to cancel, can you do that?
asshole: well, since you are already paid up, and with your free service, you will not be charged again until june 19th, it would.....click, i hung up.
i lost. i let the man get me down. not only could i not get my goddamn money back, they wouldn't LET me cancel my service. the good news is that i called my wife and told her, and she called them and cancelled the account, although not without a fight.
ok, now that's off my chest.