remember me?

it's been awhile, i know. i also know that the odds of anyone reading this are slim to none as most of the kind people who read my idiotic rants gave up on me a long time ago, but i'm not posting to be heard, i'm posting to post. i need to write, something i haven't done since last november and even then, only briefly. so much has happened that i could sit up all night typing until my fingers bled and i got that awful backache i get when i sit at the computer too long and still not make a dent in what has transpired in the last 10 odd months. i've been trying to look up old friends lateley, with at least limited sucess. i have reconnected with sister spikey mace after many months of silence. as one of the rocks i could always lean on in my down times, it was long overdue and our reunion was bittersweet with the news that she had recently lost a loved one. it was good to talk to her again, to reconnect with someone who means so much to me, yet i have managed to neglect for far too long. i have promised to do better about keeping in touch. i have also tried to contact amy at afterophelia and s. at tales of ordinary madness, but with less luck. these are all people who were with me through my breakdown, who know my past and yet somehow accepted me in spite of it. i miss them. i have also reached even farther back and managed (through myspace) to connect with a dear friend from high school and one of my brief attempts at higher education. she's doing fabulous, just got married, has a good job. when we were at university together we used to travel to the small town in southern arkansas where my father is buried, in the middle of the night, and hang out at the cemetary and talk. it sounds corny but it is one of my fondest memories from that time. she still lives in little rock and we have made plans to get together next time i am down. i'm looking forward to seeing her again and catching up, as it's been close to 12 years since we have seen one another. my divorce was final a few weeks ago. repeated efforts on my part to patch things up with missy failed and she finally filed for divorce. i did get joint custody of the children, able to see them whenever i want. she and i are still on good terms, however. we are taking the kids to the fair together this weekend and i am looking forward to that. it means for one afternoon i can imagine we are a family again, that things didn't go horribly wrong, that my life didn't take this awful turn for the worse. i know things will never go back to the way they were, and honestly i don't know now if i would take her back even if she were willing. maybe too much water had passed under the bridge, maybe i know that losing her once almost killed me and the thought of going through that again terrifies me. i wish i could go back in time, somehow make things work, be a better person, but i can't. i can only look forward. my kids are my life. kieran is in the second grade and bailey is getting bigger by the day. i haven't exactly had a model life, arrested for multiple felonies when i was 18, a failed business, a nervous breakdown, suicide attempts, a failed marriage, but i got one thing right. i have wonderful children. kids who would make any parent proud. and for that i'm grateful. i've tried dating since missy and i split up, but it's no use. no one i've met can measure up to her, and so i make it a point to ruin it, even if not on purpose. i've come to accept that i will probably be alone for the rest of my life, and surprisingly i'm ok with that. i loved once. a deep, meaningful, total love. i don't think i could ever give myself to someone else like that, and it wouldn't be fair to them or me to give anything less. i'm going to post this now, before i lose my nerve and delete it. many times i've thought of deleting the whole blog, as it's not really serving any purpose, but something has always kept me from doing it. maybe because it's my little memorial to myself, when i still gave a damn. maybe i'm reading too much into things, as is usually the case. oh well, i'm done for now, maybe i will get back into posting, though i doubt it. i'm pretty sure this is a one time thing, just something to do on a night i'm feeling melancholy.