Wednesday, December 13

it's over. i ended my relationship with the girl today, and although i was the one who ended it, i have the sadness about me of being dumped. i really don't feel like going into the details, but suffice to say my happiness was short-lived, and i'm back to my miserable self. i don't think i will be posting again, i have nothing left to say, so for the few of you who have stuck with me, you can save yourself the trouble. i don't want to delete the blog, and i'm not really sure why. but it was nice knowing you all. just for shits and giggles, one last time before i go: DAMN THE MAN AND FUCK BUSH!

Sunday, November 5

sister spikey is right. i have plenty of time on my hands, but haven't really had anything to say. until now. i've met someone. it's too early to read to much into it, but all i know is that when we are apart, all i can do is think of her. she's wonderful. she knows my faults and accepts me in spite of. plus she's a mom, and that gives us common ground. for the first time in way too long, i'm happy. very, very happy. 'nuff said.

Monday, September 25

yesterday

things went well at the fair yesterday. the kids both had a great time although kieran became a little shit towards the end when he was ready to go and bailey still wanted to ride a few more rides. it wasn't, however, what i expected. i had braced myself for a day of memories flooding back, of pretending things were the way they once were. this wasn't the case. i simply enjoyed the day and had a wonderful time watching my children have fun. missy and i got along fine, had some nice (but brief, bear in mind we were chasing after two kids the whole time) conversation, and were simply there for the kids. i've spent the last year mourning the loss of my marriage and i think i'm finally ready to say goodbye to it. it was a great run, the best years of my life, but it's over and that's ok. nothing lasts forever. i hope missy and i can continue to do things together with the kiddies from time to time. i think they enjoyed having both mommy and daddy there at the same time. i do wish i could see them more, but i suppose every weekend is a hell of a lot more time than some dads get, so i should be thankful. that being said, it's only monday and saturday morning seems a lifetime away. but the week will pass and before you know it, i'll have them again and life will be grand.

Friday, September 22

remember me?

it's been awhile, i know. i also know that the odds of anyone reading this are slim to none as most of the kind people who read my idiotic rants gave up on me a long time ago, but i'm not posting to be heard, i'm posting to post. i need to write, something i haven't done since last november and even then, only briefly. so much has happened that i could sit up all night typing until my fingers bled and i got that awful backache i get when i sit at the computer too long and still not make a dent in what has transpired in the last 10 odd months. i've been trying to look up old friends lateley, with at least limited sucess. i have reconnected with sister spikey mace after many months of silence. as one of the rocks i could always lean on in my down times, it was long overdue and our reunion was bittersweet with the news that she had recently lost a loved one. it was good to talk to her again, to reconnect with someone who means so much to me, yet i have managed to neglect for far too long. i have promised to do better about keeping in touch. i have also tried to contact amy at afterophelia and s. at tales of ordinary madness, but with less luck. these are all people who were with me through my breakdown, who know my past and yet somehow accepted me in spite of it. i miss them. i have also reached even farther back and managed (through myspace) to connect with a dear friend from high school and one of my brief attempts at higher education. she's doing fabulous, just got married, has a good job. when we were at university together we used to travel to the small town in southern arkansas where my father is buried, in the middle of the night, and hang out at the cemetary and talk. it sounds corny but it is one of my fondest memories from that time. she still lives in little rock and we have made plans to get together next time i am down. i'm looking forward to seeing her again and catching up, as it's been close to 12 years since we have seen one another. my divorce was final a few weeks ago. repeated efforts on my part to patch things up with missy failed and she finally filed for divorce. i did get joint custody of the children, able to see them whenever i want. she and i are still on good terms, however. we are taking the kids to the fair together this weekend and i am looking forward to that. it means for one afternoon i can imagine we are a family again, that things didn't go horribly wrong, that my life didn't take this awful turn for the worse. i know things will never go back to the way they were, and honestly i don't know now if i would take her back even if she were willing. maybe too much water had passed under the bridge, maybe i know that losing her once almost killed me and the thought of going through that again terrifies me. i wish i could go back in time, somehow make things work, be a better person, but i can't. i can only look forward. my kids are my life. kieran is in the second grade and bailey is getting bigger by the day. i haven't exactly had a model life, arrested for multiple felonies when i was 18, a failed business, a nervous breakdown, suicide attempts, a failed marriage, but i got one thing right. i have wonderful children. kids who would make any parent proud. and for that i'm grateful. i've tried dating since missy and i split up, but it's no use. no one i've met can measure up to her, and so i make it a point to ruin it, even if not on purpose. i've come to accept that i will probably be alone for the rest of my life, and surprisingly i'm ok with that. i loved once. a deep, meaningful, total love. i don't think i could ever give myself to someone else like that, and it wouldn't be fair to them or me to give anything less. i'm going to post this now, before i lose my nerve and delete it. many times i've thought of deleting the whole blog, as it's not really serving any purpose, but something has always kept me from doing it. maybe because it's my little memorial to myself, when i still gave a damn. maybe i'm reading too much into things, as is usually the case. oh well, i'm done for now, maybe i will get back into posting, though i doubt it. i'm pretty sure this is a one time thing, just something to do on a night i'm feeling melancholy.

Monday, November 21

just a thought

wouldn't it be nice if someone were to give the monkey face idiot a sodium pentathol enema so we could find out once and for all just how much he knew and when? hell, it might not even be necessary. they are becoming so brazen in what they are doing to this country, he may go on national tv one night and just announce "yeah, we never were really sure about that wmd thing, we just wanted to kick his ass". we can only trust karma that he gets his in the end. i really don't have anything to write about today, so i thought a little pissing and moaning about the monkey boy is always in good taste. cheers.

Sunday, November 20

on birthdays and sheep

i'm another year older, 32 to be exact. while at least i'm not an antique 34 like sister spikey mace, i still feel over the hill. i look at my current situation and realize things are not going as planned. but i suppose you can't really plan for life, because you never know what will happen to change your course. i'm doing the best i can given the circumstances, and that's good enough for me.

my mother came to town for my birthday and stopped and picked up the kids on her way here, so that was nice. what wasn't so nice was that she begged and pleaded her way into getting me to agree to go to church with her this morning, on my birthday no less. it looks like my son is taking after dear old dad at a young age, he told her he hated going to church and wasn't going to do it. he only relented after i assured him (out of earshot of my mother) that i didn't really think too much of the whole idea either, but that we didn't have to do it that often and that he could suck it up and take one for the team. lucky for both of us my second born was so bad we had to leave halfway through.
this still gave me about thirty minutes to watch a room full of adults singing songs about, and praying to, someone who doesn't exist. the whole concept leaves me torn between giggling at the absurdity of it all, and crying that so many people are so easily fooled, my own mother being one of them. you might as well sing a song praising homer simpson, or pray to al bundy, all three are fictional characters, and each will get you the same thing: squat. i don't get on my atheist soapbox very often, mainly because if you believe in fairy tales, nothing i can say here is going to change your mind and i don't want to alienate people, but i had to let off some steam after having to witness it first hand this morning. i'm done for now.

Friday, November 18

$100 laptop for poor

this is a wonderful concept, but i didn't read anywhere about making sure each poor american child had one. i guess our government can't afford to buy them because of all those tax cuts for the rich and money spent on the war in iraq.

$100 laptop for poor

republicans push through budget cuts

republicans have made budget cuts which will affect college students, families receiving child support, medicaid, and food stamps recipients. following this they are expected to pass millions in tax cuts for the wealthy. can anyone explain to me how these people can look at themselves in the mirror? do they really care so little about their fellow man that they can shit on the ones who need help the most while at the same time helping the rich get a little richer? it's articles like this that made me stop political blogging in the first place. they just piss me off so much. i've decided i can handle the anger again, so i'm back. may the monkey faced idiot rot.

the article